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29 November 2009 @ 01:37 pm
wow i was just reading my previous entries and it reaffirmed my hopeless loner status for me. people who may but probably never ever stumble across this shit must think im the most fucked up miserable bitch thats ever lived. I just never write happy stuff on here. Fuckin. I gotta get some help. I have no idea how to function in society. Naomi and I went to the city to meet Chels. She's back from New York. It feels so damn good to have friends. I get so much peace of mind from talking to my friends. It is so horribly difficult to be alone. All of my friends are and have been off on their own nut for a while now. i have no support group. I have no one to have fun with; no one that has similar interests who is willing to keep up with me where i'm at. Will and I are gooing through some major shit right now. I fucking hate Clarion. Being in college is a constant reminder of how strange I am and how inept i am for living in society. I just want to finally get my head straight. I just want to do whatever it fucking takes to have peace of mind; to cope with my past and move forward as a happy healthy human being. I refuse to test out a bunch of prescription meds. That is an escape. If I am going to escape I am going to leave on an adventure. I just want to learn to be happy where I am in the situation that I'm in. I don't want to quit school just yet because I promised myself that I would at least finish a year. I have quit every endeavor I have ever started. I just want to demonstrate fortitude. But. Will and I are on the rocks. I love him with every fiber of my being but reflecting on all of our difficulties I wonder if I have any business being with him. He's too old for me. I gotta preserve my dignity. I gotta experience things on my own. I feel muted around him. It is well known that Will has a very condescending nature. Whether it is intentional or not. He never expresses that he has anything to learn from anyone. He doesnt feel that anyone else is worth listening to. He is so intense on sharing his views that my feelings and ideas are marked invalid in comparison. I'm the practical girl. The one who makes sense to settle down with. SETTLE IS NOT IN MY VOCABULARY. Not gonna work for me. This situation is making me feel old and washed up. Will is ready to settle. I am not. He is moving out. I don't want to be in Clarion alone. I set myself up for disaster. In the coming weeks I am gonna have to focus on passing my finals, finding a way to get my shit back to beaver falls, finding a place to put my shit, finding a job, finding an apartment, a therapist, and a school to transfer to for the spring semester. What the fuck am i doing with my life?
16 October 2009 @ 08:05 pm
I have pneumonia and mono. this explains so much.

Will is really hard on me. I'M REALLY SICK OF ALL MY WORDS AND ACTIONS BEING ANALYZED TO THE RIDICULOUS EXTENT THAT THEY ARE. He is sure to remind me on a daily basis of all these really negative attributes that i have. Concentrating on the shit that's wrong with me only takes time away from thinking about positive things. This has not turned out to be a very good set up for me. I really want to believe that it is and I bit my tongue for a while because I didn't want to hastily decide that we have no business being together. Now that it's out in the open though, shit.  I'm having a really rough time. This relationship is more difficult than it is anything else. So there. Every aspect of my life is pretty shitty at present.

I have really random sleeping patterns lately. I took a nap at probably one O clock and didn't wake up until four? something like that. I spent the rest of the evening baking a pumpkin pie from scratch. I  improvised on a couple key parts of the recipe. Needless to say, that was a total failure. Second pie that i somehow managed to burn and also not cook thoroughly. Mmmm! I'm a regular little miss Suzie homemaker.

Maybe one of these days i'll get it together. Probably won't be any time soon.
Current Music: the velvet underground